A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem - a 10-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read RADAR TRAP AHEAD". The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of change. (And we used to just sell lemonade.)
A young couple, who were dating were driving down the road in a very busy area, when things started to get very passionate. So they decided to pull over and park and have some fun. Things were really getting hot, and they were not paying any attention to what was going on outside. All of a sudden a policeman was tapping on their window. The cop could hardly contain himself. "Didn't you know that you are not supposed to be having sex in public?" he asked the couple. Being embarrassed at being caught said yes and apologized. "Well, he said, I will have to write you a ticket." So the cop wrote the ticket and reminded them next time to watch their behavior. After getting dressed the girlfriend asked her boyfriend what the policeman wrote the ticket for. He responded.... "doing 69 in a 35 mph speed zone!!"
Two girlfriends were speeding down the highway at well over a 100 miles per hour. "Hey," asked the brunette at the wheel, "see any cops following us?" The blonde turned around for a long look. "As a matter of fact, I do." "Oh, NOOOO!" yelled the brunette. "Are his flashers on?" The blonde turned around again. "Yup...nope...yup...nope...yup..."
What do you call a clairvoyant midget who escaped from prison? A small medium at large.
One afternoon, this guy drives down a highway to visit a nearby lake and relax. On his way to the lake, a guy dressed from head to toe in red standing on the side of the highway gestures for him to stop.
The first guy rolls down the window and says, "How can I help you?"
"I am the red asshole of the highway. You got something to eat?"
With a smile in his face, the first guy hands a sandwich to the guy in red and drives away. Not even five minutes later, he comes across another guy. This guy is dressed fully in yellow, standing on the side and waving for him to stop.
A bit irritated, our guy stops, cranks down the window, and says, "What can I do for you?"
"I am the yellow asshole of the highway. You got something to drink?"
Hardly managing to smile this time, he hands the guy a can of Coke and stomps on the pedal and takes off again. In order to make it to the lakeside before sunset, he decides to go faster and not to stop no matter what.
To his frustration, he sees another guy on the side of the road, this one dressed in blue and signaling for him to stop. Reluctantly, our guy decides to stop one last time, rolls down his window, and yells, "Let me guess. You're the blue asshole of the highway,and just what the f*ck do you want?"
"Driver's license and registration, please. Asshole."
A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says "Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses." The woman answered "Well, I have contacts." The policeman replied "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"
What did the policeman say to his belly button? You're under a vest!
A tourist asks a man in uniform, "Are you a policeman?" "No, I am an undercover detective." "So why are you in uniform?" "Today is my day off."
A man was speeding down a Alabama highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over. The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?" "Ever go a fishin'?" the policeman suddenly asked the man. "Ummm, yeah..." the startled man replied. The officer grinned and added, "Did you ever catch 'em all?"
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. "You'll get your chance in court." said the Desk Sergeant. "No, no, no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"
A couple of kids in the South get pulled over for speeding. When the trooper approaches the car, the driver says 'What's the problem, sir?'. The trooper takes out his machined aluminum flashlight and whacks the kid across the head saying 'You don't speak to a state trooper unless you're spoken to'. The trooper writes out the citation and gives it to the driver who responds 'Thanks a lot'. The trooper again gives the kid a dose of the flashlight and says 'When you address a state trooper, you finish your sentence with the word sir'. He then walks over to the passenger side and whacks the other kid with the flashlight. The kid says 'What was that for, sir?' The trooper says 'I was just fulfilling your wish. Y'all wouldn't have gotten 100 yards down this road before you'd have said to your friend, "I wish he'd have hit me with that flashlight", so I fulfilled your wish.'
TEN SIGNS Your Partner NEEDS A Vacation
10. Every Tuesday he insists it's his turn to be the siren. 9. He is starting to develop a crush on one of the transvestite hookers he arrested. 8. He wants to transfer to a K-9 unit because he thinks he'd look good in a collar. 7. He wants you to call him "Judge Dredd", and he insists that all suspects should be executed right there on the spot. 6. He talk to himself. Half of him is the "good cop", and the other half is the "bad cop". 5. He keeps asking you if his bullet proof vest makes him look fat. 4. He is exchanging donut recipes with complete strangers. 3. The perpetrators beg him to stop talking about his hemorrhoids. 2. He wants to hear less talk and more music on the police channel. 1. He keeps handcuffing himself by accident!!
TEN WAYS You Know You Married a COP!
10. When you start an argument, he calls for back-up 9. Refers to bedroom as "The Pokey" 8. Secret desire to see you in a Kevlar nightie 7. Calls farting his "silent alarm" 6. The obvious night-stick reference. 5. You never hear him say, " OH, Man.... not donuts again !!" 4. Refers to his winkie as "the ol' breathalyzeer!" 3. Stops you in the middle of sex to ask you if you knew how fast you were going. 2. Handcuffs don't turn him on anymore. 1. YES, that IS a gun in his pocket !!!!!
TEN SIGNS your getting to CLOSE to your K-9
1) Lunch usually consists of a pizza topped with one half meatballs and the other half kibble. 2) You demand your K-9 buddy get a locker, too. 3) In case there's an emergency, you carry a wee-wee pad wherever you go. 4) You get a kick out of asking him how his day was and he always answers "ruff." 5) He is the only one who laughs at your jokes. 6) Out of habit, you start scratching your spouse's belly during tender moments. 7) For Christmas you knit a little doggy uniform and buy doggy boots to keep his paws warm and dry. 8) For Valentine's Day you fill a heart-shaped box with doggy treats. 9) At training class, you pass him love notes under the desk. 10) You want to have his puppies
Top TEN Bad Ideas For Police T-Shirt Slogans
1. Kickin' your ass since 1945. 2. You can run, but you'll only die tired. 3. The guy I locked up's kid was student of the month at Chester Elementary. 4. You got to ask yourself one question, "Do I feel lucky?" Well do ya, punk? 5. I busted a heroin ring, saved a drowning dog and shot an armed bank robber before he killed the hostage and all I got was this lousy t-shirt. 6. I'd rather be a sky marshal. 7. I hate cheese. (Wisconsin only) 8. Have you hugged a police officer today? Or at least offered them a gratuity? 9. NYPD or FDNY (These logos are now the property of everyday Americans who bought them online before either department had them licensed for retail sales.) 10. I hate my job so don't push your luck
TEN SIGNS your Chief DISLIKES you
10. He sends you on drug raids....alone. 9. He refers to you as "Our Little Mascot." 8. The job description in your contract includes "crash test dummy" and "pepper-spray test subject." 7. Instead of a gun, you were issued a water pistol. 6. He always tells you that only wussies call for back-up. 5. He lied to you about an "officer exchange program" and put you on a plane to Siberia. 4. He doesn't like to be seen with you in public. 3. He makes up "missing persons" and then sends you to look for them. 2. You always get the patrol car with the flat tire, no gas, a dead battery, and a broken air conditioner. 1. Your locker is also the broom closet!!
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